Friday, September 26, 2014

Jesus and Bill

I don't know a lot but there are a few things I know for certain. I know if you mistake a salt canister for sugar canister, your cheesecake will taste, well, salty.  I know if the stars align, and both Congress and the Pope allow you to plan you a girls day, you will awaken that morning to the warm feeling of vomit from a child in your bed.  I know that Transformer toys require a PhD to transform. 

Yeah.... right......

 I know that being human is very very easy, and being Christlike is very hard.

A couple weeks ago I listened to a great sermon about forgiveness.  The overall message was that Christ tells us to forgive seven times seven, or essentially endlessly.  I found myself thinking, "But what about...." and "Yeah, but...." or "What about forgetting? Do I need to forget too?"

That is the thing about Jesus. He was a pretty cool dude. I mean, he loved and loved, forgave and forgave some more.  He did everything that is completely counter to our natural human behavior.  We, as humans, can be so primal.  We get mad, we react. We are wronged, we want revenge.  We are hurt, we blanket ourselves in that hurt, keeping it wrapped around us like a Snuggy for all to see.  Imagine if we strive to be more Christ-like, or less goat-like...

Yes, I said goat-like. Stick with me.  I know not everyone is Christian, or even a believer in any higher power, but everyone believes in goats.  They are real, you can touch them, you can hear and even smell them.  I've learned a lot by watching Bill, my goat.  If he is mad, he bellers and hollers, and will even honk at me.  If he is jealous he will butt the dog.  If he is lonely, he will prevent me from leaving by cutting off my walking path.  If he does not want to walk, he will.not.walk.  Bill and I share similar emotions, but I do not have to share his behaviors.  Thankfully I have a brain that is bigger than a walnut, and I can choose my behaviors. But, that is the tricky thing about being human. We really have to WANT to act higher, better, more Christ-like (or less goat-like.)  The desire has to be strong enough to override the natural tendency to act impulsively like Bill.  

Learning to respond to life, like Jesus (not like Bill) can sometimes be very difficult.  It may require retraining yourself from very old behaviors that you have had since you were a child.  It may be painful as you process some events that formed your behaviors.  It may depend upon you evaluation of things you have always known as "truth" because that is what you were told.  It may require establishing healthy boundaries and a large amount of self-awareness, but it can be done.  If my walnut-brained goat can be taught to answer me when I call his name, we as humans can learn different behavioral responses.  
And why does it matter? I mean in the end, we will always be sinful humans and Bill will always be a goat, right? Because of the pain, that is why.  Bill, in his impulsiveness, doesn't intend pain, but a goat hoof to a foot hurts.  Because him refusing to move, because he, is exhausting.  When we react primitively to hurt, jealousy, or being wronged, it creates more pain. Pain to us and pain to the wrong doer.  It perpetuates and grows and is exhausting.  And it matters because we are flawed, we are human, and we mess up.  But by striving to be more like Jesus (less like Bill) maybe the book of what is acceptable behavior can slowly be rewritten.  Because the journey that comes with attempting to be a better human being is worth it, to yourself and to others.

We are better than goats. We are.  We may not all be as amusing as them, but we are better.  If you can not ask yourself "What would Jesus do?" then ask yourself "What would Bill not do."

Friday, September 5, 2014

The Unspoken Threat Among Us.

There is a sweeping danger that is going unspoken of, with nearly no attention drawn toward it. There is no one dumping water on their heads for this cause or putting jello down their pants to raise awareness of this threat.  Many do not realize that me, myself, am a casuality of this danger, and I now realize it is my duty to raise awareness and possibly create a solution for this evergrowing problem.  The threat I am referring to is Driving with Kids.

Driving with Kids begins silently.  In fact, one may even forget they are present in the car, until you are reminded of their presence by the sound of a watery, liquid laden explosion followed by ear-shattering crying.  The jolt of the smell and the sound can startle a sleep deprived mom out of her semi-comatose state resulting in her realization that she has sat through 3 green lights and the horns she was hearing were not her personal tribute of 25 or 6 to 4 by Chicago.

A Mom's head is in grave danger in Driving with Kids.  The back of a Mom's head is the target of shock and awe between flying sippee cups, Lightning McQueens, pacifiers, bottles and Thomas and his damn friends.  Her vision is equally at risk.  She may experience great visual field impairments by floating Applebees balloons, flung scarves, mittens and hats, and sunglasses that have previously been used as a teething toy.

Driving with Kids can create a myriade of symptoms for a Mother.  Some examples are:
A: Her brain feels as though it is in a blender
B: Her desire to have 3 more arms so she can multitask the specific song selections of "Everything is Awesome" "Let it Go" and "Who let the Dogs out?" from the iPhone
C: An overwhelming curiousity to see the actual strength of duct tape
D: Sudden knowledge of the entire Frozen movie dialogue, in French. And Spanish.
E: Her acceptance that children never run out of words, to say, at the same time.  Ever.
F:  Torn shoulder muscles from reaching behind her, while driving,to retrieve a pacifier from under her own seat

Prolonged driving with kids can result in tremors, twitches, and rocking silently in a corner, while sucking on her thumb.  

Little is known about the permanent affects of Driving with Kids, but research has shown the following to have reduced some of the symptoms:
A:  Wine, Beer and/or Whiskey
B:  The ability to pee and poop, alone, with the bathroom door locked, at least once a week.
E:  Completion of one People Magazine or US Weekly in one sitting.
F:  Chocolate, cheesecake or chocolate cheesecake.
G:  Any show on TLC or HGTV, except for Honey Boo Boo, which is contraindicated.
F:  Transferring driving duties to the Father.  However, studies are suggesting that males succumb to the affects of Driving with Kids 96% faster than females.  Proceed cautiously.

It is known that Driving with Kids can last years.  Currently, the estimated affects last between 14-16 years, but can be replaced with a secondary condition called Riding with Driving Kids.  More research on this area is pending, but early reports are this condition brings as severe of symptoms as Driving with Kids.

It is time to raise awareness.  Millions of women are struggling with this debilitating condition, and are too afraid to reach out for help.  I am hoping by stepping from the dustbunny laden shadows of my own world I can help others come forward.  There is strength in numbers.  While we will never eradicate Driving with Kids, knowing others share our struggles strengthen us all.  To Moms everywhere, behind the wheel, I raise my to-go mug of coffee to you.  Stay strong and keep on keeping on!  

*Disclaimer: This is called satire. Please don't get up in my junk about it being sexist or making light of texting and driving or anything like that. It is written in jest (kind of) and meant to make you smile. Enjoy!*