The Unspoken Threat Among Us.

There is a sweeping danger that is going unspoken of, with nearly no attention drawn toward it. There is no one dumping water on their heads for this cause or putting jello down their pants to raise awareness of this threat.  Many do not realize that me, myself, am a casuality of this danger, and I now realize it is my duty to raise awareness and possibly create a solution for this evergrowing problem.  The threat I am referring to is Driving with Kids.

Driving with Kids begins silently.  In fact, one may even forget they are present in the car, until you are reminded of their presence by the sound of a watery, liquid laden explosion followed by ear-shattering crying.  The jolt of the smell and the sound can startle a sleep deprived mom out of her semi-comatose state resulting in her realization that she has sat through 3 green lights and the horns she was hearing were not her personal tribute of 25 or 6 to 4 by Chicago.

A Mom's head is in grave danger in Driving with Kids.  The back of a Mom's head is the target of shock and awe between flying sippee cups, Lightning McQueens, pacifiers, bottles and Thomas and his damn friends.  Her vision is equally at risk.  She may experience great visual field impairments by floating Applebees balloons, flung scarves, mittens and hats, and sunglasses that have previously been used as a teething toy.

Driving with Kids can create a myriade of symptoms for a Mother.  Some examples are:

A: Her brain feels as though it is in a blender

B: Her desire to have 3 more arms so she can multitask the specific song selections of "Everything is Awesome" "Let it Go" and "Who let the Dogs out?" from the iPhone

C: An overwhelming curiousity to see the actual strength of duct tape

D: Sudden knowledge of the entire Frozen movie dialogue, in French. And Spanish.

E: Her acceptance that children never run out of words, to say, at the same time.  Ever.

F:  Torn shoulder muscles from reaching behind her, while driving,to retrieve a pacifier from under her own seat

Prolonged driving with kids can result in tremors, twitches, and rocking silently in a corner, while sucking on her thumb.  

Little is known about the permanent affects of Driving with Kids, but research has shown the following to have reduced some of the symptoms:

A:  Wine, Beer and/or Whiskey

B:  The ability to pee and poop, alone, with the bathroom door locked, at least once a week.

E:  Completion of one People Magazine or US Weekly in one sitting.

F:  Chocolate, cheesecake or chocolate cheesecake.

G:  Any show on TLC or HGTV, except for Honey Boo Boo, which is contraindicated.

F:  Transferring driving duties to the Father.  However, studies are suggesting that males succumb to the affects of Driving with Kids 96% faster than females.  Proceed cautiously.

It is known that Driving with Kids can last years.  Currently, the estimated affects last between 14-16 years, but can be replaced with a secondary condition called Riding with Driving Kids.  More research on this area is pending, but early reports are this condition brings as severe of symptoms as Driving with Kids.

It is time to raise awareness.  Millions of women are struggling with this debilitating condition, and are too afraid to reach out for help.  I am hoping by stepping from the dustbunny laden shadows of my own world I can help others come forward.  There is strength in numbers.  While we will never eradicate Driving with Kids, knowing others share our struggles strengthen us all.  To Moms everywhere, behind the wheel, I raise my to-go mug of coffee to you.  Stay strong and keep on keeping on!  

*Disclaimer: This is called satire. Please don't get up in my junk about it being sexist or making light of texting and driving or anything like that. It is written in jest (kind of) and meant to make you smile. Enjoy!*